Seasons of Loneliness . . .

I am a young girl watching my three older brothers wrestle around, embark on grand adventures with their bikes, and tease each other. I long to be one of the boys, to have the sort of relationship they have. Even when I’m invited to play, I feel like an outsider and am filled with loneliness.

I am a tomboy – chubby and larger than all of my adolescent friends during the awkward “tween” years. I am filled with loneliness as I long to be thinner, prettier, and garner the attention of boys.

I am a freshman in high school - pretty, curvy and slender (for me), outgoing, popular, and have many friends. Yet, I feel alone as I try to make sense of who I am and the choices before me. Sadness overshadows me as I allow my insecurities to take the wheel.

I am 18, standing in my dorm room, 1,000 miles from home, waving goodbye to my parents, the tears welling in my eyes. I feel that ache of loneliness as I seek to find my place, where I belong in this new realm of adulthood and college life.

 I am a newlywed sitting on the stairs of our first home together sobbing on the phone to my sister-in-law. The loneliness of living on a dead-end country road in an old farm house is threatening to ensnare me. I miss the hustle and bustle of life in a busy apartment complex surrounded by friends.

Fast forward just 20 months later; I am consumed with loneliness and uncertainty as a new mother – a huge wave of insecurity threatens to envelop me. As much as I love being home with my son, I long for interaction with others. The days are long. I talk my husband’s ear off when he walks through the door.

I am new to town, pregnant with our second child, and longing for a familiar face. My dad has just been diagnosed with cancer 1,000 miles away. Worry and loneliness consume me. My husband is worried about me.

I am living in an old log cabin up in the mountains, now pregnant with our third child. I love the beauty which surrounds me, living next to my in-laws, and raising our kids on the farm. Yet, I long for friendship – to find my place in this little community. It is a new sense of loneliness.

I am a 32-year-old stay-at-home mom of five, happily married to my best friend for the last 11 years, living the life we dreamed of together, richly blessed in more ways than I can count, surrounded with breathtaking beauty each day, encircled with loving family and incredible friends, and yet, I am pained with feelings of insecurity and loneliness once again. How can I feel so alone when I am surrounded by so much love?

As I look back on the seasons of loneliness I’ve experienced, there seems to be a common thread – CHANGE. Change brings about loneliness (for me anyway). I am currently working on improving myself and taking control of my life again – making some pretty BIG changes. It is a difficult process fighting the nameless, faceless enemy that resides within me – my inner demons. They scream out my insecurities, my faults, and try to beat me down – instilling doubt, fear, and even feelings of loneliness and despair. However, I am not in this fight alone. My Heavenly Father and my Savior Jesus Christ are fighting with me and for me. I know that they love me and desire my happiness. You see, I’ve never been alone. God has always been with me – providing relief through others, tender mercies, and healing through our Savior’s Atonement. Therefore, I will continue to trust and exercise my faith in my Heavenly Father. He will see me through this, as He has in times past. It’s going to be a difficult, even painful journey - but such is the process of transforming coal into a diamond.

Elizabeth George suggests, “Allow God to use the difficulties and disappointments in life as polish to transform your faith into a glistening diamond that takes in and reflects His love.”

Whatever season of loneliness you may be experiencing from the awkwardness of youth to finding your place in the world; to waiting for the next step – whether that be marriage, children, or a career to the ache of unfulfilled dreams and empty arms; to the chaos of parenthood and the silence of an empty nest; to the death of a loved one, the loss of health, and the sting of age. . .  YOU ARE NEVER ALONE! Our Heavenly Father loves you. You are His child. He has a plan for your life – a plan that includes refinement. Hold on and reach out to Him in the darkness of despair and loneliness. He will offer relief to the broken hearted and hope to the hopeless just as He has done for me. Seasons of loneliness will ebb and flow, just remember you are never alone.  ~Love me~ Kristen