In July of 2014, I began to unravel at the seams – mentally,
emotionally, physically, and spiritually. The pressure that had been steadily
building since the birth of our fifth child a year earlier, was about to
consume me. I felt like I was drowning, unable to keep my head above water in a
sea of so many have to’s, need to’s, and want to’s. I felt lost and uncertain.
On a long cross-country drive with my sister-in-law
(Melanie), the dam finally broke. As the tears spilled forth, I vocalized my
frustrations, my insecurities, and my failures. We talked for hours as I cried.
Melanie helped me to see that I had unrealistic expectations for myself as a
mother and that I needed to “let go” of some of the things that used to define
me. She offered her insight and imparted her wisdom upon me. As we pulled into
my gravel driveway, I felt better. I was confident that things would improve.
However, like organizing a closet – things tend to get messier before there is
order. Such was the case for me.
Soon after, I fell off the health and fitness wagon I had
meticulously built. Each and every time I began to rebuild it; I would mistake
the wheel for a donut and sabotage myself once again. I reverted to my old
eating habits, using food (sugar) as a crutch – my outlet for stress. However,
food only added inches to my butt, thighs, and belly. Over the course of nine
months, I ate the wagon seven times over and gained back nearly all of the weight
I had worked so hard to lose. Excuse and rationalization became my constant companions.
This unraveling of my physical self pulled me deeper into a pit of despair and
darkness as my confidence plummeted. (I firmly believe that our mental, physical,
spiritual and emotional selves are interconnected – when one area is weak or
lacking, it tends to pull down the other areas as well).
A journal entry from March 14, 2015, sheds light on the
battle that was raging within me:
“Oh, how I’ve been struggling the past few
months with a faceless, nameless enemy
– my inner self. Until tonight, I hadn’t been able to pinpoint the source of my sadness and anguish. I’ve only
experienced the weight of it upon my heart and the
release of it as my tears fall silently down my cheeks. I had tried all of my
go-to’s for problem solving –
soaking in a hot bath, journal writing, heartfelt prayer, serving others – while all of these good
things temporarily alleviated my sorrows, they
couldn’t alleviate it completely because I wasn’t entirely sure of the root cause. My mom and mother-in-law are
concerned for me, as is Adam.”
I’m not trying to imply that everyday was bleak and filled
with sorrow. In the midst of this trial, I experienced days and moments of exquisite
joy, laughter, and fun. I did my best to put a smile on my face and be
“present.” However, just below the surface, I was hurting – plagued by my
weaknesses, failings, and insecurities – all of which seemed to be pulling me
deeper and deeper into a sea of darkness.
My dear husband was such a comfort and support to me. He
would hold me in his arms and let me cry, listen to my ramblings, and offer his
insight; but he couldn’t fix me or solve my problem. He offered to get me
professional help, but I declined. Perhaps, I should have consented. I
continued to struggle despite the love that surrounded me. I kept running
through the motions, taking care of my family, and pleading with my Heavenly
Father for relief, for help.
On a Sunday afternoon in May, my prayers were answered. I
was finally given the tools to assist me with my struggle. My journal entry from
that day (Sunday, May 31st, 2015) reads:
“I received many answers to prayers today
through talks, testimonies, lessons, and
the wise counsel of a friend. I feel like I finally know what I need to do to combat my health and fitness struggles – and
it’s not a new diet! My friend told me
about her journey with our church’s 12 Step Addiction Recovery Program and how she’s learned to utilize the enabling power
of the Atonement. It was a light bulb
moment as everything clicked and my mind was enlightened. I’ve realized that this is something I need to do.
My mom told me that I haven’t really taken control
of me yet. Perhaps, she’s right. I cannot continue the cycle of sabotaging myself and
my successes. This extends much deeper than diet and exercise. God has given me this weakness to teach me
something? What am I to learn from this? Adam
has counseled me again and again to utilize the enabling power of Christ’s Atonement and lay my burdens at the
Savior’s feet. I think I’m finally ready to do so.
The Addiction Recovery Program (ARP) is the answer that will help me learn to do so. I’m ready to begin . . .”
And with that, hope was restored once more. I went about
with a renewed desire to serve, uplift, and help others. I jumped into the
12-step workbook of the LDS Family Services Addiction Recovery Program. The
next Sunday, June 7th, 2015 I wrote the following:
“The ARP is amazing! It has made me look
deep within to figure out the why behind
my actions. It’s been quite humbling. I have much to improve upon and will do so one step at a time! I’m
beginning to recognize the connection between my
physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual self.”
The 12-step program proved to be more difficult than I
imagined as each step forced me to look within to get to the root of the
problem. Each step offered support, scriptures, and thought-provoking questions
to get you to dig deeper and address the real issues. My issue wasn’t food; it
was the why behind it. Why do I continually sabotage myself? I soon
realized that this program isn’t just for addicts – it’s for anyone and
everyone who struggles to overcome their “natural man” and weaknesses. It’s not
a quick fix. It’s a process, a journey that can sometimes hurt as evidenced by
the following journal entries:
Tuesday, June 16th, 2015
“Today has been a rough day battling my
inner demons – the voices who scream my insecurities, my shortcomings, my frailties. The voices who desire to bring me down to a state of misery – doubting
my worth, my talents, and my abilities. I’m ashamed
to say that I have fed these thoughts as of late and as such, I’ve wallowed in my own self-pity looking
for outside sources to lift me up and offer hope.
I had a heartfelt conversation with my Heavenly Father tonight as the tears streamed down. In that prayer, my mind was
enlightened to know that which I am seeking
for to quiet the negative thoughts comes from Jesus Christ – His grace, His enabling power is the key. Therefore,
I will press forward with faith and hope. I
know God loves me.”
Tuesday, June 23rd, 2015
“I feel like I am in a pinball machine. I am
the ball bouncing all around – at least when
it comes to my emotions. The tears are just below the surface, ready to rain down at any given moment. I have felt
such a sense of loneliness lately as I’ve come
face to face with my inner demons. Although, I recognize I am never truly alone. My Heavenly Father is always
there watching over me – sending relief through
others and healing through our Savior Jesus Christ. I am learning to exercise more trust in Him. I know that
this current trial is a part of the refining process
to transform me from coal to a diamond. I am so blessed to be surrounded by people who love and care
for me. I will get through this and will be
better because of it.”
Peace finally came as I continued to press on and work
through the program each day.
Friday, June 25th, 2015
“The storm that has been raging inside me
has finally quieted. Oh, the peace and joy
which have replaced it. The ARP program is really helping me. I begin most mornings by actually waking before
my kids – praying, reading scriptures, and studying
my ARP booklet. This is an incredible feat for me who is not much of a morning person . . . I realize that
as I take care of the stuff between my ears the voices of negativity are quieting. The Savior is assisting me
with that – of this I am certain.
I’m figuring out the mental, emotional, and spiritual stuff one step at a time. Now, I feel the need to exercise
my physical self as well. Let my body and spirit
work together in harmony. I’m excited to see where this program takes me.”
By July, I was feeling more stable again – mentally,
emotionally, and spiritually. It had taken a year to get to that place. Some may
wonder why this trial wasn’t removed or taken away initially when I had prayed
and pleaded for relief. Our Heavenly Father sees the bigger picture. He has a
plan for our lives and He knows what we need to experience to reach our full
potential, to fill the measure of our creation. I learned more about myself
during that difficult year and grew in remarkable ways. I have greater empathy
for those who struggle with depression and/or other mental health issues as
I’ve experienced how real the mental struggle can be. I’ve learned that we are
all broken in one way or another. Our addiction, whether it is drinking, drugs,
pornography, or food, isn’t the real issue. It’s the why behind it. Why am I
medicating myself? What am I running away from?
Through the Addiction Recovery Program, I finally addressed
issues that I had been unconsciously clinging to for years. Step 4 was
incredibly difficult for me as evidenced in the words I wrote in my workbook:
“It’s hard to face those inner demons and
acknowledge my weaknesses and shortcomings.
Doing the personal inventory has been empowering and freeing. I didn’t realize that I had been harboring
ill feelings and holding grudges based on past
hurts or times when I felt I’ve been wronged. I feel as though I’m beginning to break the chains which have held me
captive. I’ve realized that I can’t move forward
without addressing the issues of my past that are holding me back. Being completely honest with myself has been
difficult and yet empowering. The truth is setting
me free!”
I gave voice to my frustrations, mourned my broken dreams,
and then let it all go. I developed a greater relationship with my Savior Jesus
Christ and learned how to utilize the enabling power of the Atonement (I’m
still learning as I am a work in progress). I’m not perfect – a long way from
it, but that’s okay. I’m beautiful, perfectly imperfect me! I’ve recognized
that without Christ, I am weak. Yoked with Christ, I can accomplish great
things, do hard things, and overcome my weaknesses.
If you’re struggling, know this – you are not alone! There
is help available, but you must be willing to ask for it. It’s a hard thing to
do. Believe me I know, but it is more than worth it. Surround yourself with
people who uplift, encourage, and inspire you to be your best self. Turn to God
and seek for His light. I am grateful that I was able to breakthrough the
darkness that was holding me captive; to behold the majestic sunrise
and experience the warmth of God’s light and love again. There is always hope.
Never give up! You too, can rise with the Son to experience the full splendor
and beauty that life has to offer.
~Love
me~ Kristen
