A Toast to the Mamas . . .

Here’s to the mamas who breastfeed their babies.

Here’s to the mamas who use formula.

Here’s to the mamas who work 9-5.

Here’s to the mamas who stay home.

Here’s to the mamas adorned in yoga pants.

Here’s to the mamas dressed to the nines.

Here’s to the mamas who only do organic.

Here’s to the mamas who only do what’s on sale.

Here’s to the tired, frazzled mamas with kids under foot.

Here’s to the mamas of the quiet empty nest.

Here’s to the mamas who had c-sections.

Here’s to the mamas who went all natural.

Here’s to the mamas rockin’ a bikini bod.

Here’s to the mamas sportin’ a muumuu to cover their excess love.

Here’s to the mamas with clean, matching children.

Here’s to the mamas of littles with mismatched shoes, messy hair, and sticky faces.

Here’s to the mamas who send their kiddos to public school.

Here’s to the mamas who homeschool.

Here’s to the mamas with one and done.

Here’s to the mamas with four and wanting more.

Here’s to all the mamas everywhere and in between – you are rocking this mama thing!

Motherhood is hard, like crazy hard! There are days when you long to run away and change your name to anything other than mom. And yet, there are days when you feel as though your heart could burst with love and adoration for your littles. Such is the pendulum swing of motherhood. It’s a beautiful chaos. We tend to think that every other mama has it figured out. Truth be told, no one has it all together. We are all works-in-progress, trying our best to meet the demands of life. So for just one day, can we set aside our differences and focus on that which unites us?

Motherhood: As mamas, we worry for the future; we struggle with our own feelings of inadequacy; we sometimes get lost in the sea of demands of motherhood; we are tired and in desperate need of a nap; we often compare our weaknesses to another mama’s strengths; we love with every fiber of our being; we cry when we’re happy, sad, or mad; and we may secretly long for a magic wand.

So, beautiful mamas, let’s STOP comparing ourselves with that imaginary perfect mom. Let’s STOP criticizing the mama with the toddler in epic meltdown mode at the grocery store. And let’s STOP pointing fingers at one another. The world has more than enough nay-sayers. Let us be advocates for one another, for motherhood, and for our children. Let us be patient with each other; agree to disagree, but still get along; give each other the benefit of the doubt; mourn together; be real with each other; and celebrate one another’s successes. Let us look up, reach out, and love the mamas in our lives (including ourselves). After all, we are more alike than we are different.

Here’s to mamas everywhere – the hot messes, the imperfect, and the unique. You are doing better than you think!

-Love me- Kristen

Breaking Down the "Wall of Can't"

Sometimes we impede our own progression. We build walls defining what we can and cannot do. These barriers can be a shield and protection to us, but they can also limit our view of the horizon and the vast world before us. I lived a content and relatively happy life within my Wall of can’t for 32 years. That is, until the stability of my wall was called into question by a master builder. Suddenly, my stones of can’t were being crushed to dust as the sledge hammer of “can” came bearing down. This is my story of breaking down my Wall of Can’t with CrossFit . . .

Finally free from the darkness that held me captive; (see previous post “Breaking Through the Darkness”) I was ready to take control of my physical self. I longed for my physical and spiritual selves to work together in harmony, rather than battle as bitter enemies. My physical self (the natural woman) wanted to be able to eat and do as I pleased. I rationalized that given I was a good cook; I should be able to enjoy the fruits of my talent. With this governing force prevailing over the want for better health, I told my mother-in-law that perhaps I should just learn to accept my body for what it was. She looked at me and lovingly said, “The only thing happy is your taste buds. You’re not happy. You can do better.”

Her honesty was just the kick in the butt I needed. I knew that she was right – I was not happy. I just couldn’t seem to muster the motivation, self-discipline, and due diligence to turn back and begin again on the path of health and fitness. That is, until I saw a candid snapshot of myself. I was appalled with the image before me. I hadn’t realized that I had gotten so big. With the image in hand, I recalled with perfect clarity how winded I was while dancing with my husband just a few months earlier. (Which was very sad for me, as dancing is one of my favorite things to do). I decided right then and there to take control of me again. I was finally ready to CHANGE my ways, but I needed help.

I sought the advice of family members who had found great success with CrossFit, specifically my sister-in-law who had coached me before. Loraine assured me that CrossFit would help get me back on track. However, I was quite leery. I had read the articles of nay-sayers about the injuries associated with CrossFit and the “cult-like” following. But, I chose to cast aside my uncertainties and give it a try, as the first three classes were free.

On Monday, July 20^th, 2015 I showed up to my first CrossFit class. I was miles outside of my comfort zone, having not been to a gym since college. The terminology and moves were unfamiliar and I’m certain I had the “deer in the headlights look” the entire time. But I was not left alone to figure things out. I had a coach right beside me explaining things to me, showing me how to do each move, scaling things down to my very limited abilities, and encouraging me to push harder.

I texted the following to my family after my first workout:

“I did it!! I survived my first CrossFit class without puking, although I do feel like a limp noodle. A healthier, more fit Kristen is coming your way.”

And so, my love affair with CrossFit began. With each class, stones of various size and shape were removed from my Wall of Can’t. I can still recall the removal of that first stone – the stone of “I can’t jump.” My coach, Chans, told me to jump up to reach the bar overhead. I laughed at him and said matter-of-factly, “I have the vertical of an elephant. I can’t jump.” He didn’t buy it. He assured me that I could and nudged me again with the patience of a tenured kindergarten teacher. And you know what? I jumped up and held onto the bar. It was a moment of awe and awakening as I realized I am capable of more than I ever imagined.

However, having been one to sabotage my health and fitness success over the years – I tried to convince myself that I should quit. I recall calling my mom on the way to CrossFit to inform her of my decision. My mom gave me the scolding of lifetime telling me, “You are not going to quit! I will not allow you to sabotage yourself again. CrossFit is the best thing for you. It’s one of the few things that you actually do for yourself (I’m a stay-at-home mom with 5 kids). You have been happier and more confident this past month. You are going to stick it out!” I will forever be grateful for my mom’s scolding and sound advice. I stayed the course of CrossFit with greater resolve to improve and become stronger.

In the following months, more and more stones of can’t were removed as I overcame long-held irrational fears such as: A.) Face-planting while jumping up on a box. Chans enlightened me to start with a short box, look up and my feet would follow. He was right. I was amazed that my heavy legs could do such and even more amazed as I moved to doing box jumps on a higher box. B.) Doing any sort of movement where my head went down first. For one, I lacked upper body strength and two; I had a bad experience with diving as a kid. Chans took it slow with me, helping me build my upper body strength before ever pushing me into trying a handstand pushup on a box. I was ecstatic when I was able to complete an entire workout that included handstand pushups on a box. It was an incredible moment as the impossible became possible. 

CrossFit has taught me that I can do hard things. I have never pushed myself as hard as I do at CrossFit. The workouts are intense and require an incredible amount of mental toughness and endurance. Left to myself, I would quit long before the end of the set workout (as I did in the past when faced with such fatigue and sweat). However, knowing that others are doing the same workout and that I have a coach and community cheering me on – helps me to dig deeper and work harder when I want to throw in the towel. I purposely place myself by someone faster and stronger than me to motivate and encourage me. This tactic has served me well as evidenced in the following example: We were dead lifting for a one rep max. My previous personal best was 105#. However, on that particular day I noticed a girl of similar strength dead lifting 165#. I thought to myself, “If she can do it, I can do it.” With the encouragement of my coach and fellow CrossFitters, I successfully dead lifted 165#! I was amazed at the strength within me – another stone of can’t removed. I couldn’t help but squeal with delight and celebrate with dance. I can do hard things! I am getting stronger, both physically and mentally.

I began to notice that on the days I worked out, I was a much better wife and mom – more patient, more energized, and happier. The release of endorphins, following an intense workout, is an amazing natural high – much like the “runner’s high. I believe that is why CrossFit is so addicting. That, and for me, it’s one hour that I get to be just me – Kristen. I set aside my various titles and roles while I reflect inward, dig deep, and unleash my frustrations through exercise. CrossFit has become my outlet for stress. Before CrossFit, my shoulders were always tight and sore – as that is where I carry my stress. However, since beginning CrossFit, the pain and tightness is gone as I’ve strengthened those muscles and found a healthier release for my stress rather than chocolate. CrossFit is helping me become a better version of me.

What I love most about CrossFit is that whether you are new or advanced, each workout is going to be difficult and challenging. That’s because our coaches scale the workouts to each person’s level. There is a constant drive for self-improvement as our coaches encourage us to set monthly goals. It’s an incredible concept when you think about it. I’ve taken part in various exercise classes, where you look around and think, “They aren’t even breaking a sweat and here I am dying.” At CrossFit, everyone is working hard and usually breathless and sweaty by the end. No one is concerned with what others are doing around them, as they’re simply trying to make it through the workout themselves. It’s encouraging to be in an environment where everyone is working hard to improve themselves while cheering for the success of those around them.

CrossFit was truly an answer to my prayers as I sought to take control of me again. Through our gym’s latest nutrition challenge, I was given the tools to help me attain even greater success with a new eating plan that just made sense. While following the plan, I discovered the harmony within that I had been seeking for. (Unfortunately, I fell off the wagon during the holidays, but I’ve regrouped and I’m hitting it again full force. For me, I’ve learned that exercise is not enough. Healthy eating is not enough. I need both of them together with accountability for me to be successful). Perhaps, one of the best things CrossFit has done for me is the change in my perspective. I no longer set goals to be a specific size or lose X amount of pounds, but rather my goals are to be healthier, stronger, and faster – specifically to be comfortable in my own skin, to be able to do a real CrossFit pushup (on your toes, chest has to touch the ground, arms close to your body, elbows back), a pull-up, and run a 9-minute mile. I have realized that I am capable of so much more than I ever imagined.

With CrossFit, I am crushing the walls of my own limitations, by removing the stones of can’t. I’m sure I sound like an infomercial for CrossFit, but I can’t say enough about the positive impact CrossFit has had upon me. My coaches (Chans and Tausha) have played a huge role as well – removing my excuses, pushing me to dig deeper, and opening my eyes to a vast horizon of possibility. I’m not where I want to be . . . yet. But I can tell you this; my Wall of Can’t is getting shorter and shorter with CrossFit and I am finding more and more peace in my life. 

So friends, what walls have you built for yourself? Are you impeding your own progression - mentally, spiritually, emotionally, or physically? It’s time to take inventory of our lives, knock down walls, and make improvements. We can do it! God didn't send us here to fail, but to rise each time we fall and fill the measure of our creation.We only have one life to live – let’s make it a great one!     

~Love me~ Kristen

Breaking through the Darkness . . .

In July of 2014, I began to unravel at the seams – mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually. The pressure that had been steadily building since the birth of our fifth child a year earlier, was about to consume me. I felt like I was drowning, unable to keep my head above water in a sea of so many have to’s, need to’s, and want to’s. I felt lost and uncertain.

On a long cross-country drive with my sister-in-law (Melanie), the dam finally broke. As the tears spilled forth, I vocalized my frustrations, my insecurities, and my failures. We talked for hours as I cried. Melanie helped me to see that I had unrealistic expectations for myself as a mother and that I needed to “let go” of some of the things that used to define me. She offered her insight and imparted her wisdom upon me. As we pulled into my gravel driveway, I felt better. I was confident that things would improve. However, like organizing a closet – things tend to get messier before there is order. Such was the case for me.

Soon after, I fell off the health and fitness wagon I had meticulously built. Each and every time I began to rebuild it; I would mistake the wheel for a donut and sabotage myself once again. I reverted to my old eating habits, using food (sugar) as a crutch – my outlet for stress. However, food only added inches to my butt, thighs, and belly. Over the course of nine months, I ate the wagon seven times over and gained back nearly all of the weight I had worked so hard to lose. Excuse and rationalization became my constant companions. This unraveling of my physical self pulled me deeper into a pit of despair and darkness as my confidence plummeted. (I firmly believe that our mental, physical, spiritual and emotional selves are interconnected – when one area is weak or lacking, it tends to pull down the other areas as well).

A journal entry from March 14, 2015, sheds light on the battle that was raging within me:

            “Oh, how I’ve been struggling the past few months with a faceless, nameless enemy – my inner self. Until tonight, I hadn’t been able to pinpoint the source of my sadness and anguish. I’ve only experienced the weight of it upon my heart and the release of it as my tears fall silently down my cheeks. I had tried all of my go-to’s for problem solving – soaking in a hot bath, journal writing, heartfelt prayer, serving others – while all of these good things temporarily alleviated my sorrows, they couldn’t alleviate it completely because I wasn’t entirely sure of the root cause. My mom and mother-in-law are concerned for me, as is Adam.”

I’m not trying to imply that everyday was bleak and filled with sorrow. In the midst of this trial, I experienced days and moments of exquisite joy, laughter, and fun. I did my best to put a smile on my face and be “present.” However, just below the surface, I was hurting – plagued by my weaknesses, failings, and insecurities – all of which seemed to be pulling me deeper and deeper into a sea of darkness.

My dear husband was such a comfort and support to me. He would hold me in his arms and let me cry, listen to my ramblings, and offer his insight; but he couldn’t fix me or solve my problem. He offered to get me professional help, but I declined. Perhaps, I should have consented. I continued to struggle despite the love that surrounded me. I kept running through the motions, taking care of my family, and pleading with my Heavenly Father for relief, for help.

On a Sunday afternoon in May, my prayers were answered. I was finally given the tools to assist me with my struggle. My journal entry from that day (Sunday, May 31^st, 2015) reads:

            “I received many answers to prayers today through talks, testimonies, lessons, and the wise counsel of a friend. I feel like I finally know what I need to do to combat my health and fitness struggles – and it’s not a new diet! My friend told me about her journey with our church’s 12 Step Addiction Recovery Program and how she’s learned to utilize the enabling power of the Atonement. It was a light bulb moment as everything clicked and my mind was enlightened. I’ve realized that this is something I need to do. My mom told me that I haven’t really taken control of me yet. Perhaps, she’s right. I cannot continue the cycle of sabotaging myself and my successes. This extends much deeper than diet and exercise. God has given me this weakness to teach me something? What am I to learn from this? Adam has counseled me again and again to utilize the enabling power of Christ’s Atonement and lay my burdens at the Savior’s feet. I think I’m finally ready to do so. The Addiction Recovery Program (ARP) is the answer that will help me learn to do so. I’m ready to begin . . .”

And with that, hope was restored once more. I went about with a renewed desire to serve, uplift, and help others. I jumped into the 12-step workbook of the LDS Family Services Addiction Recovery Program. The next Sunday, June 7^th, 2015 I wrote the following:

            “The ARP is amazing! It has made me look deep within to figure out the why behind my actions. It’s been quite humbling. I have much to improve upon and will do so one step at a time! I’m beginning to recognize the connection between my physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual self.”

The 12-step program proved to be more difficult than I imagined as each step forced me to look within to get to the root of the problem. Each step offered support, scriptures, and thought-provoking questions to get you to dig deeper and address the real issues. My issue wasn’t food; it was the why behind it. Why do I continually sabotage myself? I soon realized that this program isn’t just for addicts – it’s for anyone and everyone who struggles to overcome their “natural man” and weaknesses. It’s not a quick fix. It’s a process, a journey that can sometimes hurt as evidenced by the following journal entries:

Tuesday, June 16^th, 2015

            “Today has been a rough day battling my inner demons – the voices who scream my insecurities, my shortcomings, my frailties. The voices who desire to bring me down to a state of misery – doubting my worth, my talents, and my abilities. I’m ashamed to say that I have fed these thoughts as of late and as such, I’ve wallowed in my own self-pity looking for outside sources to lift me up and offer hope. I had a heartfelt conversation with my Heavenly Father tonight as the tears    streamed down. In that prayer, my mind was enlightened to know that which I am seeking for to quiet the negative thoughts comes from Jesus Christ – His grace, His enabling power is the key. Therefore, I will press forward with faith and hope. I know God loves me.”

Tuesday, June 23^rd, 2015

            “I feel like I am in a pinball machine. I am the ball bouncing all around – at least when it comes to my emotions. The tears are just below the surface, ready to rain down at any given moment. I have felt such a sense of loneliness lately as I’ve come face to face with my inner demons. Although, I recognize I am never truly alone. My Heavenly Father is always there watching over me – sending relief through others and healing through our Savior Jesus Christ. I am learning to exercise more trust in Him. I know that this current trial is a part of the refining process to transform me from coal to a diamond. I am so blessed to be surrounded by people who love and care for me. I will get through this and will be better because of it.”

Peace finally came as I continued to press on and work through the program each day.

Friday, June 25^th, 2015

            “The storm that has been raging inside me has finally quieted. Oh, the peace and joy which have replaced it. The ARP program is really helping me. I begin most mornings by actually waking before my kids – praying, reading scriptures, and studying my ARP booklet. This is an incredible feat for me who is not much of a morning person . . . I realize that as I take care of the stuff between my ears the voices of negativity are quieting. The Savior is assisting me with that – of this I am certain. I’m figuring out the mental, emotional, and spiritual stuff one step at a time. Now, I feel the need to exercise my physical self as well. Let my body and spirit work together in harmony. I’m excited to see where this program takes me.”

By July, I was feeling more stable again – mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. It had taken a year to get to that place. Some may wonder why this trial wasn’t removed or taken away initially when I had prayed and pleaded for relief. Our Heavenly Father sees the bigger picture. He has a plan for our lives and He knows what we need to experience to reach our full potential, to fill the measure of our creation. I learned more about myself during that difficult year and grew in remarkable ways. I have greater empathy for those who struggle with depression and/or other mental health issues as I’ve experienced how real the mental struggle can be. I’ve learned that we are all broken in one way or another. Our addiction, whether it is drinking, drugs, pornography, or food, isn’t the real issue. It’s the why behind it. Why am I medicating myself? What am I running away from?

Through the Addiction Recovery Program, I finally addressed issues that I had been unconsciously clinging to for years. Step 4 was incredibly difficult for me as evidenced in the words I wrote in my workbook:

            “It’s hard to face those inner demons and acknowledge my weaknesses and shortcomings. Doing the personal inventory has been empowering and freeing. I didn’t realize that I had been harboring ill feelings and holding grudges based on past hurts or times when I felt I’ve been wronged. I feel as though I’m beginning to break the chains which have held me captive. I’ve realized that I can’t move forward without addressing the issues of my past that are holding me back. Being completely honest with myself has been difficult and yet empowering. The truth is setting me free!”         

I gave voice to my frustrations, mourned my broken dreams, and then let it all go. I developed a greater relationship with my Savior Jesus Christ and learned how to utilize the enabling power of the Atonement (I’m still learning as I am a work in progress). I’m not perfect – a long way from it, but that’s okay. I’m beautiful, perfectly imperfect me! I’ve recognized that without Christ, I am weak. Yoked with Christ, I can accomplish great things, do hard things, and overcome my weaknesses.

If you’re struggling, know this – you are not alone! There is help available, but you must be willing to ask for it. It’s a hard thing to do. Believe me I know, but it is more than worth it. Surround yourself with people who uplift, encourage, and inspire you to be your best self. Turn to God and seek for His light. I am grateful that I was able to breakthrough the darkness that was holding me captive; to behold the majestic sunrise and experience the warmth of God’s light and love again. There is always hope. Never give up! You too, can rise with the Son to experience the full splendor and beauty that life has to offer.                                                                                             

                                                                                                            ~Love me~ Kristen

           

Pulling Weeds . . .

I'm not one of those people who grow a garden because I think it's fun. I have a garden to provide sustenance for my family. To be totally honest, I had never even stepped foot into a garden until I married a handsome cowboy who introduced me to country life. He planted a garden for us our first year of marriage and taught me everything he knew about planting, weeding, picking, and preserving. We have been a successful team gardening together for the past 11 years with our tribe. This year, however, he wasn't able to help as much due to his busy work schedule. Thus, most of the gardening was left to me . . . especially the never-ending task of weeding (which I loathe). Here are a few life lessons I gleaned from my garden this year:

1.) Anger begets negativity, which then feeds neglect and leads to deeply rooted mammoth weeds that choke the life from your tender plants . . . I was angry that my garden didn't produce a sufficient yield of peas to put up this year, despite my many efforts. I felt cheated and wronged by my garden. Consequently, I chose to have a negative attitude and pretty much ignore weeding the rest of my garden in a foolish attempt to somehow "teach" my garden a lesson (not the smartest thing I've ever done). However, I was taught the greater lesson - passive aggressive behavior and anger do not bring forth good fruit, rather they yield noxious weeds to afflict and torment man. The longer you ignore the problem (weeds) the deeper the roots grow and the harder it is to yank it out.

2.) It is not wise to attempt to weed in dry soil, as the weeds will break off and continue to grow, and your labor will have been in vain. However, if you saturate the soil with water, you are better able to yank the weeds up by the roots. This analogy came to me the other day: To me, saturating the soil with water is coming unto Christ and seeking for His help. He softens the hardness of our hearts (soil) and helps us pluck each weed so that the we can continue to grow and flourish unencumbered by pride, addictions, and sins which might otherwise choke the life from within us. Christ can help us get to the "root" of the problem and permanently remove it.

3.) 600 feet of deeply rooted weeds, waist high - can be overwhelming to tackle, even with wet, saturated soil. However, with a few good friends by your side, gloves on, hair tied back, and ready to work, you can move forward with the daunting task of finding your potatoes again. The thought of weeding my mammoth garden by myself was so disheartening that I put it off week after week. Finally, I realized that I couldn't do it alone and called three friends to help me - two to weed in the garden and one to watch my littles. Each of them were eager to help me clean up "my mess" - without judgment. And oh the joy that filled my heart as we finished those rows. It felt as though a great burden had been lifted. As my beautiful mother often says, "Life is about helping one another. We can't make it on our own. We need each other." She is right - we do need each other!

So friends, learn from my gardening and personal blunders: 1.) Let go of the anger, resentment, or hurt you may feel towards another - no matter how justified it might be. Nothing good will come of it. It'll only deepen the roots of bitterness within your own heart and choke out the beauty and joy within you. 2.) Allow the Savior into your heart, let Him saturate your soul with His love, and allow Him to pull out those deeply rooted weeds. He has the capacity to do such because He atoned for all of our sins, heartaches, struggles, and weaknesses. He knows how to succor us perfectly because He loves us personally and infinitely. 3.) We can't make it through this life on our own - we need each other. Surround yourself with good people who edify, uplift, encourage, and inspire you to be your best self. Learn to ask for help and be willing to receive it, and then in turn, help another. 

~Love me~Kristen

BE STILL . . .

In Psalms 46:10 it reads, “Be still and know that I am God.” And in Job 37:14, the Lord tells Job . . . “stand still and consider the wondrous works of God.”  

These two scriptures have influenced my life in many ways. In 2011, these passages of scripture  spoke volumes to my heart and offered me peace in a sea of uncertainty. The following is an excerpt from my journal following the birth of our fourth child just two months prior:

“I had one of those overwhelming days on Tuesday.  I found myself in the midst of pity party. I was missing my family as they are all together on vacation and I am 1,000+ miles away. I won't relive my pity party for you, but I was feeling pretty blue. The kids were fighting and crying, Gabe had gotten hurt for the umpteenth time that day (he is accident prone), beds were still not made after having washed the sheets, Adam was working late, the house that I had just cleaned was slipping away into disarray and chaos, and I had reached the end of my rope.

            I decided to give myself a time-out before I lost it. I walked outside and let myself escape into nature. I stopped, took a deep breath - breathing in the freshness of the recent rain, and let my mind wander as I admired the beauty of my surroundings. The sky was alive with vibrant colors as the setting sun engulfed the remaining storm clouds. Shades of pinks, oranges and yellows swirled and broke through the bleak grays and blues. I don't know that I've ever stared so intently at the sky - trying to capture the beauty in a series of mental snapshots. (I didn't dare get my camera for fear that the moment would slip away). Birds were chirping and a cool, gentle breeze kissed my cheeks. I closed my eyes and allowed myself to get lost in the moment.

            And as I did, a thought entered my mind, almost like a voice declaring, "Be still and know that I am God." I slowly opened my eyes and realized that I was beholding the majesty and love of God in the sunset, the mountains, and the breeze. God's love is everywhere, for everywhere that we look is the fingerprint of God. He created this beautiful world and all things in it, even me. He loves me for who I am - weaknesses and all. I took a deep breath, threw my head back and gazed again at the wondrous sky. I then began to pray. I asked the Lord to strengthen me and help me be the mom my children need me to be, the wife Adam needs be to be, the daughter, the sister, the friend I need to be.

            I drank in the beauty and serenity of that moment, realizing it was just what I needed. Abruptly, my dreamlike moment came to a screeching halt, with crying and shouts for me, the mom. I walked inside armed with a little more patience, love, and gentleness. I had been strengthened and enlightened.  It's amazing how the Lord can speak to us if we but stop and listen. How many times have I missed such opportunities because I was too busy trying to tackle my never-ending to-do list? More times than I care to admit. I'm grateful for that beautiful sunset and the opportunity it gave me to ponder and reflect upon my life . . .”  (Kristen’s Journal – July 19, 2011)

            Elder Richard G. Scott asked, “Do you take time to discover each day how beautiful your life can be? How long has it been since you watched the sun set? The departing rays kissing the clouds, trees, hills, and lowlands good night, sometimes tranquilly, sometimes with exuberant bursts of color and form. What of the wonder of a cloudless night when the Lord unveils the marvels of His heavens—the twinkling stars, the moonlight rays—to ignite our imagination with His greatness and glory?” (April 1996 General Conference)

            How long has it been since you watched the sun set? When was the last time that you allowed yourself to “Be Still?” It is my hope that you will join me and discover the peace that comes from being still – allowing yourself to draw closer to our Heavenly Father through daily communication with Him in prayer, that you will find answers to your questions through scripture study, and that you will feel of His love for you in the beauty of His creations. It is a timeless formula that continues to provide me peace in the midst of fierce storms to the chaos of everyday life. Try it for yourself and see if it works for you too.

~Love me~ Kristen

           

            

           

            

Seasons of Loneliness . . .

I am a young girl watching my three older brothers wrestle around, embark on grand adventures with their bikes, and tease each other. I long to be one of the boys, to have the sort of relationship they have. Even when I’m invited to play, I feel like an outsider and am filled with loneliness.

I am a tomboy – chubby and larger than all of my adolescent friends during the awkward “tween” years. I am filled with loneliness as I long to be thinner, prettier, and garner the attention of boys.

I am a freshman in high school - pretty, curvy and slender (for me), outgoing, popular, and have many friends. Yet, I feel alone as I try to make sense of who I am and the choices before me. Sadness overshadows me as I allow my insecurities to take the wheel.

I am 18, standing in my dorm room, 1,000 miles from home, waving goodbye to my parents, the tears welling in my eyes. I feel that ache of loneliness as I seek to find my place, where I belong in this new realm of adulthood and college life.

 I am a newlywed sitting on the stairs of our first home together sobbing on the phone to my sister-in-law. The loneliness of living on a dead-end country road in an old farm house is threatening to ensnare me. I miss the hustle and bustle of life in a busy apartment complex surrounded by friends.

Fast forward just 20 months later; I am consumed with loneliness and uncertainty as a new mother – a huge wave of insecurity threatens to envelop me. As much as I love being home with my son, I long for interaction with others. The days are long. I talk my husband’s ear off when he walks through the door.

I am new to town, pregnant with our second child, and longing for a familiar face. My dad has just been diagnosed with cancer 1,000 miles away. Worry and loneliness consume me. My husband is worried about me.

I am living in an old log cabin up in the mountains, now pregnant with our third child. I love the beauty which surrounds me, living next to my in-laws, and raising our kids on the farm. Yet, I long for friendship – to find my place in this little community. It is a new sense of loneliness.

I am a 32-year-old stay-at-home mom of five, happily married to my best friend for the last 11 years, living the life we dreamed of together, richly blessed in more ways than I can count, surrounded with breathtaking beauty each day, encircled with loving family and incredible friends, and yet, I am pained with feelings of insecurity and loneliness once again. How can I feel so alone when I am surrounded by so much love?

As I look back on the seasons of loneliness I’ve experienced, there seems to be a common thread – CHANGE. Change brings about loneliness (for me anyway). I am currently working on improving myself and taking control of my life again – making some pretty BIG changes. It is a difficult process fighting the nameless, faceless enemy that resides within me – my inner demons. They scream out my insecurities, my faults, and try to beat me down – instilling doubt, fear, and even feelings of loneliness and despair. However, I am not in this fight alone. My Heavenly Father and my Savior Jesus Christ are fighting with me and for me. I know that they love me and desire my happiness. You see, I’ve never been alone. God has always been with me – providing relief through others, tender mercies, and healing through our Savior’s Atonement. Therefore, I will continue to trust and exercise my faith in my Heavenly Father. He will see me through this, as He has in times past. It’s going to be a difficult, even painful journey - but such is the process of transforming coal into a diamond.

Elizabeth George suggests, “Allow God to use the difficulties and disappointments in life as polish to transform your faith into a glistening diamond that takes in and reflects His love.”

Whatever season of loneliness you may be experiencing from the awkwardness of youth to finding your place in the world; to waiting for the next step – whether that be marriage, children, or a career to the ache of unfulfilled dreams and empty arms; to the chaos of parenthood and the silence of an empty nest; to the death of a loved one, the loss of health, and the sting of age. . .  YOU ARE NEVER ALONE! Our Heavenly Father loves you. You are His child. He has a plan for your life – a plan that includes refinement. Hold on and reach out to Him in the darkness of despair and loneliness. He will offer relief to the broken hearted and hope to the hopeless just as He has done for me. Seasons of loneliness will ebb and flow, just remember you are never alone.  ~Love me~ Kristen

Sorrow That the Eye Can't See

I've had these thoughts running through my mind for quite a few weeks now, but not a lot of time to put pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard, as the case may be.) I finally decided that if I want to get this post done, I must MAKE the time, for it cannot be found anywhere.

A few weeks ago in Relief Society, we were singing one of my favorite hymns, and the lines struck a note in me. "Who am I to judge another, when I walk imperfectly? In the quiet heart is hidden, sorrow that the eye can't see. Who am I to judge another? Lord I would follow thee."

As I sat there, singing the words, a feeling of shame and sorrow washed over me. I thought of the many, many, MANY critical and unkind thoughts I had running through my head about my fellow brothers and sisters that week. I thought of all the unkind words I had spoken to my children, to my spouse, the ones I hadn't said to strangers but I certainly had thought them!!  I thought of the many ways I had failed to see the sorrows of my fellow man and respond in a loving and compassionate way. I thought of all the times I had judged another, without knowing the whole story, without mercy or compassion in my heart. My heart was heavy as I thought about all the ways I walk along this path so very imperfectly.

The truth is, we are all walking along this path in a very imperfect way. We are all struggling to do the best we know how, in a world that is fraught with sin, struggles, sorrows  and wickedness. The truth is, we are all, each and every one of us, sinners, struggling to get back to our Father. So, really, who am I to judge another, just because they sin differently than I do? Just because their weakness is not mine, doesn't mean I shouldn't have compassion for their struggle, their battle, their war. The truth is, they are my brother, my sister, fighting a battle I may not understand. Struggling with sorrows I cannot see.

The question then, for me, is this: How can I love my brother? How can I do a better job of loving and serving those around me? Does it matter that their sorrows may have been caused by their own actions? Shouldn't we still love and lift to the best of our ability?

I think back to a time when my own actions caused much sorrow in my life, and the lives of those who loved me. I am so grateful to those who loved me without judging me, who helped me find a way back to the path, who helped me to feel the love of my Heavenly Father, without condemning me, or criticizing me for losing my way in the first place. Where would I be without them? I don't know, but I am pretty sure it would be a much darker place than I currently occupy.

The truth is, every person you know, every single one of us, is carrying burdens that the world can't see. Sometimes they are giant boulders in our paths, like the death of a loved one, or illness, or addictions that have caused our world to spiral completely out of control. Sometimes they are pebbles in our shoe, that irritation that just won't go away. Always, we need the love and compassion of our fellow man to help us get through them.

So how can we love our brother?  A few ideas from my oh-so-wise Facebook friends:

• Pray: I, for one, believe in the miraculous power of prayer. When I feel helpless, like there is not one thing I can do to make a difference, I pray. It unites our faith with our Father, and can help bring about mighty miracles in the lives of those we love.  
• Be Kind: Be that safe place, that refuge. Listen without judging, without giving unwanted advice, without thinking in your head about all the ways you would have done it better. (I never do that, ever.) (Using my sarcasm font here, in case you were wondering just how self-righteous I can be.)     
• Serve: It doesn't have to be huge, a smile, a note, a nod at the grocery store. A Dr. Pepper left at the door of a friend you know is having a rough day. Sometimes, it is the little actions of others that let us know that God still knows we're here, struggling along, trying our best to keep swimming, Dory-like, even when we can't remember why. 

It comes down to love, Without judgement, without restrictions, without boundaries. It is looking at our brothers and sisters, and trying to see them as our Father sees them, with limitless potential and endless beauty. I know I have such a long way to go in this endeavor, but my hope is that, in writing this down, in recognizing the desire for improvement, maybe next time I sing those beautiful words, I can feel a tiny bit less guilty...  ~Kim