At the Crossroads of Faith and Fear

I found myself at the crossroads of faith and fear following a dream. A dream that was so vivid and real that I could almost feel the flickering warmth and fading light of the infant in my arms and shredding pains of a broken heart. The dream left a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach that I couldn’t escape. Although I was only a few weeks along in my pregnancy, I knew my unborn child was a boy and that something was dreadfully wrong.

I survived the next few months of uncertainty with prayer. However, the reality of my dream was confirmed during a routine ultrasound as I watched the technician’s face – her smile faded as the conversation ceased. She excused herself and left the room. I turned to my husband, “Something is wrong with our baby. I’ve known it all along.” My husband had known it too. I was surprisingly calm as we learned about our son’s diagnosis of a potentially life threatening defect in his lung – the Lord had prepared me. 

I held my emotions in check for a few days (without shedding a single tear), but then doubt and worry crept in. I felt as though the Lord had given my family more than we could bear: my husband was without work, there were bills to pay, a larger vehicle to purchase, three young children to care for, not to mention the stress and uncertainty with our unborn son. I felt overwhelmed and defeated. Finally, I gave in. The dam broke and the tears burst forth. I sought refuge in my husband’s arms and found solace in his words, “We can only worry about the things that are in our control – turn the rest over to the Lord.”

It was then that I found myself at the crossroads of faith and fear. I had to choose which of these polar forces would govern my future course. I petitioned the Lord in prayer for direction and comfort, searched the scriptures for answers, had a long therapy session with my journal, and received a priesthood blessing. It was in those still, quiet moments that I was able to feel of my Heavenly Father’s love and concern for me. The storm inside me began to subside as the Lord whispered, “Peace, be still.” With renewed strength and fortitude, I chose the path of faith – to trust in the Lord’s plan for me, my family, and our son – regardless of what the outcome may be.

Faith and hope sustained me through an even darker storm when our son showed the early signs of heart failure while in-utero. Family, friends, and church members united in prayer and fasting. The Lord, in His infinite goodness and mercy, revealed His matchless love with a miracle.  Our son’s condition dramatically improved within a week. His heart returned to its normal position and the cysts began shrinking in his lung. I cried, but this time with tears of joy and gratitude. I felt as though the Lord had opened the windows of Heaven and was showering my family with blessings as our burdens were made light.

More trials came our way with our son’s birth and complications with his heart and lungs. Yet, I was continually sustained with faith and a feeling of peace that everything would be okay. We found it fitting to give our son Cole the middle name of Ishmael – which in Hebrew means “God hears.” Cole is a living testament that God hears and answers prayers and that miracles still occur in our day.

Through Cole, I have learned to “Be Still and Trust God” in all things. I know that Heavenly Father loves us. We are His children and He has a plan for our lives. If we allow ourselves to “Be Still,” He will whisper to our hearts those things that we desire to know and will encircle us in His everlasting arms of love. So when you find yourself at your own crossroads of faith and fear, I pray that you will choose faith. Faith allowed me the opportunity to drink from a well of spiritual strength I never knew I possessed and to come to know my Heavenly Father and His Son, Jesus Christ, more intimately.